REVIEW
 
Well, this is what I believe will be the last week of our series on the subject of WISDOM, and I hope that you all have gleaned things that will greatly enhance your lives.
 
We have seen just how important wisdom is in our lives. We have learned that it is indeed the principal thing - that is, the top, first and best thing that we can acquire in our lives. The problem is, however, that many people do not see wisdom this way. They believe that all of these other things are what we need to “get” but they miss the fact that when we get wisdom, all of these other things that our hearts desire come as a by-product of obtaining God’s wisdom.
 
So, we have learned what wisdom is, what some of her primary characteristics are, and then we moved into many of the various practical areas that we desperately need His wisdom in. We looked at:
 

• Wisdom for Holiness: how to live sin free and overcome temptations.
• Wisdom in the Word: how important heeding our Father’s instructions is.
• Wisdom in our Words: the power that is in our tongue to produce both life and death.
• Wisdom in our Bodies: how to live whole & healthy lives in our temples.
• Wisdom in our Finances: the importance of stewarding our money God’s way.

 
Then most recently, we have moved into talking about Wisdom in Relationships, and we have learned both how to build and how to maintain the relationships in our lives. Because I do not want to re-preach these last two teachings, I will simply encourage you (highly encourage you, I might add), to go back and listen to both of these teachings - particularly, the last one on how to maintain these relationships. The reason is because the devil and his cohorts devote their time to dividing God’s people. They are constantly trying to destroy our marriages, split our churches and divide Christ’s body in order to render us completely ineffective. So, I went into a lot of practical principles from the Book of Proverbs that show us exactly what to do when we are tempted to be offended by our brothers and sisters in Christ. There is not one person who cannot be ministered to in a great way from the things we learned last week. So, either go to our website and listen to the message or get a hold of my notes that I sent out this week.
 
COME AND GET IT!
 
Now, while we have certainly not gleaned all there is to know about wisdom during the past 10 weeks, I felt like the Lord was ready to transition us into a new focus in the weeks ahead. But before we do, I want us to conclude our series on WISDOM this week by answering the question we all should have by now - How do we grow in it? How do we get it?
 
Now we have certainly dabbled in some of the “How To’s” throughout this series, but let’s give a week’s worth of attention to this wise question - HOW DO WE GET WISDOM?  
 
Let’s look again at our golden text for this series in Proverbs chapter 4: Proverbs 4:5-8 says, “Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you. Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore, get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding. Exalt her, and she will promote you; She will bring you honor when you embrace her. She will place on your head an ornament of grace; A crown of glory she will deliver to you.”
 
So, we can clearly see that we are encouraged (even commanded) by the Lord to GET wisdom, right? So, let’s wind this series up by talking about how we get it.
 
Now the first thing we need to understand is this - when the Word of God tells us to get something, what can we conclude? We can conclude that it can be “gotten.” You see, the Lord is not going to tell us to get something and not make it available to us. No, in fact, we see here in the Book of Proverbs that wisdom is on every street corner, crying out for you to come get her. So, wisdom is available to come and get it.
 
For example, when a mother yells out the door to the children at supper time, saying, “Come and get it!”- what do the kids know? They know that dinner is on the table and they are about to eat. Likewise, when the Holy Spirit says, “Get wisdom!” we know that wisdom is on the table and available to whosoever will. Amen!
 
No, it doesn’t matter how educated you are. There are no disqualifications. The Lord says, “If you want it, you can have it!”
 
You see, the Hebrew word for “Get & Getting” here in these verses literally means “to buy.” Therefore, we can see that in order to “Get wisdom,” we will need to “pay the price” for it. What does this mean? It means it might cost us something. We might have to lose our dignity and pride. We might have to throw some things on the altar that stand between us and our apprehension of wisdom. The bottom line is that we generally get the things that we desire with all of our hearts.
 
GETTING WISDOM VS. GETTING OLDER
 
Now it stands to note here that we do not simply “get wisdom” by “getting older” either; no, we get it by paying the price for it. Many people believe that wisdom simply comes with age, but that is simply not true. Wisdom is earned! I know a lot of old people who are fools. (They don’t go to church, of course😊).
 
Now it is true that getting older certainly gives one more of an opportunity to gain wisdom. And why? Because of the accumulation of experiences that we will have through time. But my point is that if we do not ever learn from those experiences, we will not grow in wisdom. Therefore, while most people learn from some of their mistakes, they never truly acquire all of the wisdom that they can because they don’t learn from all of their experiences.
 
Isn’t this the epitome of foolishness, church? To continue doing the same things and hoping for different results! No, if we want to get different results in our life, we cannot continue to act, think, respond, react, etc., the same way that we have been! Proverbs 26:11 says, “As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.” So, what does a wise person do? He learns from his mistakes and stops doing it.
 
But here is another very important point - Most Christians get precious little wisdom in their lives because they are only drawing from their own experiences. I want to encourage you today not to just learn from your own experiences; learn from other’s experiences. My father in the faith, Andrew Wommack, says it this way: “You don’t have to learn from hard knocks.” Wisdom will not only learn from her own hard knocks; she will learn from others failures and shortcomings as well. Amen! (We will delve into this more in a moment)
 
OUR NEED FOR WISDOM
 
Now let’s turn over to the Book of James and take a look at a passage of Scripture that will explain this very thing about just how easily accessible wisdom is.
 
If I could summarize how we get wisdom, the key is found in one very simple word - ASK! Yes, wisdom comes simply by asking for it.
 
In James 1:5, after he encourages his readers to count it all joy when they fall into various trials, he says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”
 
So, the context of this verse is the need for wisdom in the particular trial you have fallen into. In other words, the need to know what to do when you are in the midst of tribulation. But let’s not just limit it to the trials we go through; let’s view this as how we get wisdom in general.
 
The first and most important part of this verse is the first thing James says, “If any of you lacks wisdom…” What if one does not realize that they lack wisdom? Then they won’t ask for it. In other words, if we are deceived into thinking that everything is okay or we are just satisfied with what we currently know, we won’t seek something more.
 
And this is more of a problem than most realize: They don’t see how much wisdom they lack. Therefore, they do not hunger and desire more of it. In their pride, they are wise in their opinion and are “know it all’s” in so many ways. That, my friends, is the number one hindrance to getting wisdom in our lives; the deception that we don’t lack it - for we will not seek for something that we do not realize that we are missing.
 
But, church, when one does realize that they lack something, then the desire for it can enter in.
 
COURTING WISDOM
 
So, that leads me to another step to obtaining wisdom in our lives: The first key to getting wisdom is that we have to want her! Now this desire to get her first comes by realizing our need for her.
 
Now I say “her” because, if you noticed, wisdom is referred to throughout the Book of Proverbs in the feminine like it is an actual female entity.
 
So, men, how did we “get” our wives? In most cases, we had to pursue them. We courted them and won them over by various expressions of love and honor. We took them to nice restaurants. We bought them flowers, jewelry, etc. We did these things to win over their heart and to gain their love and trust.
 
And to all of you single ladies out there, let me give you a good word of wisdom: Do not pursue the man; let him pursue you - because if he is not willing to court you, then he is not worth having. Amen?  
 
But my point is that wisdom is gained in the same way. We have to court her - showing her that she is the most precious and valuable thing to us. We pursue her until we obtain her, and then we marry her.      
 
What this means is that valuing wisdom is vital. This requires a heart that esteems her, truly seeing her as the “principal” thing - that is, the first, best, and top thing in our lives. For until we place the appropriate value on her, we will not gain her. Amen?     
 
ASK OF GOD
 
So, once we realize that we lack wisdom in our lives and have a need for more of it in various areas, what are we to do? James says that we are to “ask of God!”
 
While the Greek word used for “ask” here does simply describe a petition; it also denotes to “desire, crave and to beg.” So, the kind of asking that is being described here is a wholehearted kind of petition, not just some passing, flippant request that is half-hearted. This is important.
 
But notice that James said that we are to ask of God. The word that is used for “of” here is the Greek word para and means “to come alongside of.” So, this describes the proximity of our request from God, which is right by His side. Therefore, it denotes that we have drawn near to God and ask.
 
This has so many shades of meaning, all of which are vitally important to understand: The truth is many are asking amiss. They are doing things independent from God (i.e. doing their own thing) and they have not come alongside of Him. This is the best way to receive from God, church - learning to draw near to Him and walk with Him on a regular basis. Entering into His presence through worship to where He is near and you have His ear! This is coming boldly to Him in the full assurance of faith!
 
And James goes on to explain to his readers why that is - to be completely persuaded that when they ask they will receive: It is because our God “gives liberally and without reproach.”
 
But what if the God that we come to is not the God who gives liberally and without reproach? In other words, what if we are making this request of a God that we are not convinced will give (number one) to all (number two) liberally and (number three) without reproach? Then the last part of James 1:5 might not happen for you (i.e. “it will be given to you”). In other words, your lack of understanding of who He is might impede your receiving from Him.
 
You see, when we come to God, our view of Him does impact how we receive from Him. If we see Him as a harsh, critical and condemning Judge, it will be impossible for us to approach Him in the full assurance of faith because we won’t be sure of what He will do or say. But if we see Him as a good, liberal, and non-condemning God, there will be confidence that when we ask, we will receive.
 
God desires to give us wisdom, church! But we must ask for it from Him! As James goes on to say in his letter, we have not because we ask not (James 4:2).  
 
But we have to ask. We have to have enough spiritual where-with-all to ask Him for counsel, direction, and understanding when the various situations come up in our lives. Let me give you a few examples:
 

1. Say your car was making a strange noise. Instead of immediately looking online, calling an auto mechanic, or even trying to diagnose the problem ourselves, what if we asked the Holy Spirit first what the issue is? I can guarantee you that by simply acknowledging the Lord like this and asking for His wisdom, our paths would tend to be smoother and straighter (see Proverbs 3:5-6).
2. Say your body is being afflicted in some way and you have done all you know to do like standing on the Word, speaking Scriptures, having hands laid on you, etc. What if we inquired of the Lord as to why this physical issue is not being resolved? He might tell you that it is tied to some other – what you would perceive to be – unrelated area like unforgiveness, dietary issues, or simply a need for some physical exercise.
3. Say you receive some words from a friend or family member that hurt you. Instead of retaliating or leaning on your flesh or understanding as to what to do, what if you asked the Lord why they said what they said and let Him minister truth to you? This way you would know how to pray for them or even how to minister in love back to them.

 
THEN LISTEN
 
But there is something oh so important to do after we have asked Him for wisdom; we have to then listen for the wisdom.
 
Many fail to do this – no, not only because they are not open to God speaking directly to them the things they want to hear, but because they are not open to how He might answer their cry for wisdom.
 
Again, we might ask God for wisdom regarding these mountains we seem to keep going around and then we get prompted to turn the television on and we are watching some preacher who is dealing with a certain issue that we see in our lives. That might be just how the Lord gives us the wisdom we have asked for.
 
This is why James goes on to say in James 1:6-8- “But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord, he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”  
 
Now in the context here, the thing that is to be asked for in faith is the wisdom (see vs. 5). So, when we ask for wisdom in this double-minded, doubtful fashion, we are not to suppose that we will receive it from Him. Why? Because we can only see the Lord communicating to us in a certain way and we miss that He might decide to respond to you through another person.
 
ASKING OTHERS
 
Now that leads me to another point about how to get wisdom: It is not just going to come directly from God to you. Yes, asking God is important in its own right. However, getting wisdom does not only come from asking God; it also comes from asking others. In other words, we get any and all kinds of wisdom by both asking and observing those who have it.
 
We can see from the Book of Proverbs that those who walk with wise men will be wise and that those who listen to counsel and receive instruction from wise people will be wise in their latter days (see Proverbs 13:20 & 19:20). Therefore, surrounding ourselves with wise people is a big part of us becoming wiser.
 
Now this will require humility on our part- because one of the major reasons why so many do not grow in wisdom is because of their pride. People’s pride does not like to admit it doesn’t know something that someone else does. Pride chokes on those three words, “I don’t know.” But wisdom confesses it freely. Therefore, humility is a big key to acquiring wisdom. (I will include a listing of the proverbs that talk about pride vs. humility at the end of this article)  
 
And really, who cares what people think? But we should care about what people know - So, pick their minds and learn from their expertise and experience, and don’t worry about what they might think about you by your questions. 
 
You see, even the Master Himself listened and asked questions during His life and this resulted in Him increasing in wisdom (Luke 2:46,52). So, if Jesus needed to both listen and ask questions of others who had some wisdom, then you can bet the bank you and I need to do that too!
 
Proverbs 11:2 teaches us this when it says, “When pride comes, then comes shame; but with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs 26:12 also says, “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” In other words, the guy or gal that thinks they are wise already is more hopeless than a fool because at least a fool, in many cases, knows their stupid! It is the same with a religious person: there are not many others who are harder to convert than them because at least the grossest of sinners know they are a sinner. A person who is “religious” (from the negative sense of the word) thinks they are alright. Therefore, the need for salvation is not as apparent to them.  
 
This is why Proverbs 3:34 says, “Surely He scorns the scornful but gives grace to the humble.” Of course, this Scripture is quoted by James in James chapter 4 in relation to God resisting the proud and how we submit and draw near to God. But I want you to notice how being given even wisdom comes through our humility.
 
But not only can we ask others; we can simply observe them, considering their ways.
 
CONSIDER THEIR WAYS
 
So, let’s look at this other way to get wisdom in our lives through other people and things: It is simply by opening our eyes and considering them.
 
In Proverbs 6:6-8, Solomon gives us an interesting tip: He says, “Go to the ant, you sluggard! Consider her ways and be wise, which, having no captain, overseer or ruler, provides her supplies in the summer, and gathers her food in the harvest.”
 
So, Solomon shows us that one way to become wiser is by simply considering something even as minuscule as the activity of ants. Isn’t that amazing how the Lord has dropped just enough wisdom is those little insects that has them store up their food in just the right season?
 
 
This teaches us that we can get wisdom simply by observing the things of nature. But do you know what else we can get wisdom from considering? Other people! Yes, being wise comes from considering others - simply sitting there and watching what something or someone else does.
 
People that become “experts” at things or “skillful” in others (Both good one-word definitions for wisdom) generally become this way through observing and considering others. In other words, they become skilled in that particular trade by sitting under someone like a trainer or mentor. 
 
For example, one way in which we can do this in our lives is say, we want to become more skilled in plumbing: What’s the best way to become a good plumber? It is by observing one who has been there and done that in the area of plumbing - to ask them questions, watch how they come to conclusions, etc. Some who simply desire to become more skilled in fixing their computer might simply watch a “How To” video that walks you step by step through how to fix the issue.
 
Now, what does the fool do? They might have been having engine problems with their car, yet without any understanding, experience or observation of what it takes to fix engines, they just blare on, saying “I’ll do it myself.” What happens more than half the time that someone decides that they are going to just learn on the fly? They usually spend much more time than they would have if they would have just “considered” what they were doing first by maybe “googling” it or calling an expert.
 
But us guys are notorious for this kind of foolishness; am I wrong? We don’t ask for directions, bless God! And we spend a half an hour driving around, trying to find the place that was just 10 minutes away. When if we would have just taken two minutes to stop and ask someone, we could have gotten there in 15 minutes. I say this to our shame, gentleman! LOL!
 
Have you ever heard the quote, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” (Benjamin Franklin)? What that means is that it is better and easier to stop a problem from happening than to stop or correct it after it has started. That is so true, isn’t it? Oh, how much time and money has been wasted simply by not giving some forethought before action. 
 
But, again, learning by considering other people and things is a critical part of obtaining wisdom. In short, you could say that wisdom comes by simply using our head for more than a hat rack! It is thinking before speaking. It is considering before doing. It is meditating before acting. It is judging before deciding. It is ASKING! Amen! 
 
Verily, verily, I say to you - when we seek, we find. When we knock, it is opened up to us. When we ask, we receive. 
 
THE WORD OF WISDOM
 
Now that leads me to another very important part of acquiring wisdom: I just made the point of how important considering others is to becoming wise. Well, do you know who some of the best people are for us to consider, observe and, therefore, learn from? The people in the WORD!
 
Yes, the Bible teaches us that it itself was written for our learning (Romans 15:4) and gives us these various stories as examples (1 Corinthians 10:11). That means that the triumphs and failures of these men and woman of God in the Bible were recorded for us to learn by.
 
Again, we don’t have to have a bunch of unnecessary trials and tribulations to learn to be holy, to look to God, etc. Many would have you believe that! There are people who get up and even “testify” that God put them in their wheelchair because they weren’t living for Him. Church, that’s a horrible testimony. A good testimony is this - I read the Word and saw how I needed to be living my life. Then I applied its principles and look what the Lord has done! Glory to God!
 
I repeat - He does not want His children learning through hard knocks; He wants us learning from all of these stories in the Bible, through their hard knocks. No, I do not have to wander around in the wilderness for 40 years to learn to trust in God’s Word. Nor do I have to fall into sexual sin like Samson or David to find out that obeying God’s Word is better in the long run. Amen? 
 
So, considering the examples in the Word of men who failed and succeeded. This is one of the ways which His Word makes us wise. But His Word has the power to make us wise in various ways.
 
In 2 Timothy 3:15, the Apostle Paul told his son in the faith that the Holy Scriptures are able to make us wise for salvation. And, oh, how we need wisdom in the area of salvation, church! It’s found in God’s Word!
 
This is why we have learned in this series that if you want to be a wise person, then it is imperative that we become “Word people”- that is, making His Word the priority in our life by reading, meditating and studying it regularly and then purposing in our heart to be doers of the Word that we are hearing.
 
Now let me interject this one point, however: Just don’t spend time in the subjects that your heart is already geared towards: Study the whole counsel of God! Sure, you might need to focus on healing because of your need for it, but just know that if you ignore other areas of God’s Word, you won’t be feeding your faith in that area, and will be deficient in it. All Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable (2 Timothy 3:16); not just our pet parts of the Bible.   
 
Now we have learned already that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, so this is a very important part of growing in wisdom; it is growing in the fear of God - that is, learning to truly respect in our hearts what He has said and His perspective concerning things. Therefore, if we truly “fear” God, then we will respect what He has said in His Word. This is why things like obedience are inexplicably intertwined with the fear of the Lord - because if you truly honor someone, you will respect and revere what they have said and hold dear.
 
CONCLUSION
 
So, these are very simple and basic ways to get more wisdom in our lives:
 

• We must first realize that it is available to all of us! God is not withholding it from any of us. The ball is in our court! Now we must come and get it!
• We must also realize that we all need more of wisdom in our lives - for when we think that we have all the wisdom we need, we will not hunger for more of it. So, understanding we all lack some of the wisdom that is available to us will promote the desire to have more.
• We don’t need to be deceived into thinking that wisdom will just come simply by us getting older and gaining more experience either. We can have more wisdom without negative experiences. How?
• Asking God for wisdom: We need to draw near to Him and position ourselves to hear the wisdom that descends from above.
• Then we must listen - listen to however He decides to communicate that wisdom to us. It might be by His own words in our heart, it might be through His written Word, it might even be by another person. The bottom line is we need to remain open to however He decides to give us the wisdom we’ve asked for.
• We can also get wisdom by asking other people questions and observing how they do things. This will require humility, but humility is the key to the grace of wisdom.
• But we can also get wisdom by considering those in the Word and learning from their failures and triumphs. It is also by respecting all of the Holy Scriptures and gleaning from all of the truth God has given us in His Word.

 
Church, if we will do just these things right here, we will begin to grow in wisdom and see God’s blessings poured out in our life in abundance. Wisdom is for all of us! So, let’s go GET it!  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
PROVERBS ABOUT HUMILITY VS. PRIDE
 
 
Proverbs 3:34 - “Surely He scorns the scornful, but gives grace to the humble.”
 
Proverbs 11:2 - “When pride comes, then comes shame; but with the humble is wisdom.”
 
Proverbs 13:10 – “By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom.”
 
Proverbs 14:3 - “In the mouth of a fool is a rod of pride, but the lips of the wise will preserve them.”
 
Proverbs 15:25 – “The Lord will destroy the house of the proud, but He will establish the boundary of the widow.”
 
Proverbs 15:33 - “The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom, and before honor is humility.”
 
Proverbs 16:5 – “Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord; Though they join forces, none will go unpunished.”
 
Proverbs 16:18-19 – “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud.”
 
Proverbs 18:2 – “A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.” (“but delights in airing his own opinions”
 
Proverbs 18:12 – “Before destruction the heart of a man is haughty, and before honor is humility.”
 
Proverbs 21:4 - “A haughty look, a proud heart, and the plowing of the wicked are sin.”
 
Proverbs 21:24 – “A proud and haughty man- “Scoffer” is his name; He acts with arrogant pride.”
 
Proverbs 22:4 – “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.”
 
Proverbs 25:6-7 – “Do not exalt yourself in the presence of the king, and do not stand in the place of the great; For it is better that he say to you, “Come up here,” than that you should be put lower in the presence of the prince, whom your eyes have seen.”
 
Proverbs 25:27 – “It is not good to eat much honey; So to seek one’s own glory is not glory.”
 
Proverbs 26:12 – “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”
 
Proverbs 27:1 – “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” (Proverbs 27:2 – let another praise you)
 
Proverbs 28:25 – “He who is of a proud heart stirs up strife, but he who trusts in the Lord will be prospered.”
 
Proverbs 29:23 – “A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor.”
 
Proverbs 30:32 - “If you have been foolish in exalting yourself, or if you have devised evil, put your hand on your mouth.”

REVIEW
So, last week, we continued our series on the subject of wisdom by looking at another practical area that we need God’s wisdom in - the arena of relationships: We looked at how important it is that we learn how to build relationships.
 
We learned that our being in fellowship with one another is extremely important to God and to us. We saw from Proverbs 14:4 that in our relationships with others is where more strength comes to see increase in our lives. However, with the strength the ox provides, it also provides more mess. So, while there will always be “poop” we have to deal with in relationships, we need to esteem the good that comes from our connection with people more than the problems they bring with them.
 
Then, we learned the importance of choosing our friends wisely. We saw that we should not be deceived into thinking that we are strong enough to have a good influence on people without them having a bad influence on us. The Bible teaches us that “evil company corrupts good habits”            (1 Corinthians 15:33).
 
So, who should we be hanging out with? The Bible says, the wise. Yes, he who walks with the wise will himself be wise (Proverbs 13:20). Therefore, we need to find people to associate with who will provoke us unto love and good works, enabling us to become sharper in character, rather than duller. We looked at various things that we should be looking for in friends and also what kind of people we should not be associating with.     
 
We then looked at how to make friends by looking at things that we can implement into our lives that will make us more desirable fellowship for others. We also looked at a lot of “don’t do’s” that might irritate people we would like friendship with.
 
So, as promised this week, I want us to move on into looking at how we maintain / keep these relationships we have built. This is going to be a very practical message on how to resolve the conflicts that come up in even our God-ordained relationships.
 
So, as I mentioned last week, relationships must be built. They do not necessarily build themselves. In other words, you will have to work at making them all they can be. We looked at Proverbs 24:3-4 which says, “Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; By knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” and we saw that you do not build a home by just haphazardly beginning the building process. No, you sit down first and draw out the plans, right?
 
Well, did you know that just as many people build relationships, there are also those who destroy them. And how do they do this? Through a lack of wisdom. 
 
Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” How many of you know that this is the epitome of foolishness – to build something, and then turn around and tear it down with your own hands. But people do this all of the time in the area of relationships: They spend time working on a particular relationship and invest a lot of time, effort and energy into it, and then they turn around and pull the whole thing down through fights, quarrels and contentions. This is unwise.
 
So, that is exactly what I want us to look at this week - how to not do this, how to not only build good, healthy relationships, but also how to keep them in that same condition.
 
Now we talked last week about just how important relationships are in everyone’s life, particularly the life of a member of Christ’s body. So, if that is so (and it is!), then don’t you suppose that the enemy of our souls is going to do his best to destroy those relationships? You can bet the bank he will! Therefore, we need to always remain cognizant of the fact that we are going to have even more opportunities in a church setting like ours to have relationships grow sour and to have division. And why? Again, it is because we have an enemy who wants us separated from each other.
 
WHY STRIFE IS SO BAD
 
So, let’s begin by talking about why strife, contentions and quarrels are so bad in the first place:
 
We’ve just seen that one major reason is because they divide us from other parts of the Body that we need to be joined to. And that is reason enough to resist contentions itself, but here are some other reasons why strife is such a bad thing. Strife is bad…
 

1. BECAUSE IT IS AN ABOMINATION TO THE LORD: Proverbs 6:16-19 says this: “These six things the Lord hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren.”

 
One major reason we should avoid strife like the plague it is, is because God considers it an abomination. Now that is some pretty strong language, isn’t it? He hates it! It is abominable to him! Therefore, if we love God, we should hate it too! Amen? 
 

1. BECAUSE ITS JUST PLAIN UNBECOMING: Proverbs 17:1 says, “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife.” Solomon also said three times that living with a contentious woman is worse than living in the most uncomfortable places (See Proverbs 21:9, 21:19, 25:24)

 
You see, the things we esteem like eating good food or living in a comfortable home are fine and all, but if strife and contention are present, those natural things are just not worth it. In other words, we would be better off to have less than desirable food to eat or to live on the corner of a rooftop than to have a spirit of strife in our home. And why?  
 

1. BECAUSE OF THE BAD THAT COMES WITH IT: James 3:16 teaches us that where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. In other words, when we allow strife into our homes, we are allowing confusion and every evil work there too. Therefore, we should shun that contentious spirit like the foul thing that it is so that it might be well with us and these other unwanted things have no place in our lives. Amen?

 
So, all of this is plenty enough reason to keep our relationships free from strife, quarrels and contentions. Amen?
 
Now let’s move on and talk about what actually stirs up strife because in diagnosing it, we can help find the cure for it:
 
WHAT STIRS UP STRIFE?
 
You see, there are several proverbs that talk about certain things that “stir up” strife. So, let’s look at them. What stirs up strife? First of all, Proverbs 28:25 says, “He who is of a proud heart stirs up strife, but he who trusts in the Lord will be prospered.” Proverbs 13:10 teaches us, “By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom.” Let’s look at a couple of other translations of this nugget of wisdom:
 

1. The original King James Version says, “Only by pride cometh contention…”
2. The New International Version says, “Where there is strife, there is pride…”

 
So, the first thing we need to understand is that any and all strife comes by pride - meaning, if there is strife present, I can guarantee you that there is some pride present. Yes, when two individuals get into strife, there has to be pride present in at least one of the individuals, but in my experience, it is usually in both. Why? Because very rarely do you see one of the parties humbling themselves and admitting things they did wrong in the situation that caused the conflict.
 
But the main reason that all strife is a result of pride is because usually the contentions and quarrels that arise are based on hurt feelings. “I am just so angry because they did such and such to me,” they say. Well, why are they so angry? It is because someone did something to them. That is pride because the root of pride is self-centeredness: It’s all about what they did to us.
 
Now this is important to understand when it comes to us being the one who is tempted to be contentious with others: We need to check our own hearts and see where any pride is resident that would cause the strife in us. Then, we ought to be the “big boy or girl” in the situation and take the high road of love by humbling ourselves in the quarrel.
 
Regarding the other person in the conflict, the Book of Proverbs gives us some specific things that show how strife is stirred up around us:
 

1. Proverbs 15:18 says, “A wrathful man (or, a furious and poisoned man) stirs up strife…”
2. Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hatred (i.e. being hateful) stirs up strife…”
3. Proverbs 29:22 says, “An angry man (describes the blowing of breath through the nostrils as if someone is enraged) stirs up strife…”

 
So, we can see here that it is a wrathful, hateful, angry person that generates strife! In other words, it is a man or woman who has been poisoned and is full of hate and anger that tends towards stirring up strife! Therefore, this helps in how we respond to others who are contentious against us.
 
You see, anytime a person is ugly towards us it for this very reason: because they are currently, at that moment, not knowing how loved they are by God. Yes, hurting people hurt people! God did not create us to be mean-spirited, angry and hateful. So, when we are, it is because we are operating outside of our God-created value. Therefore, when someone else is hurting us know this - that is not who God created them to be, and all they are doing is hurting themselves, and they are doing it because they are already hurting themselves. This will help us to be more compassionate towards them and to more readily forgive them. 
 
WHAT COVERS STRIFE
 
Now staying along the same lines, let’s talk about some truths that the Book of Wisdom gives us that squelches the strife that tries to be stirred up:
 

1. HONOR - Proverbs 20:3 says, “It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel.” The Christian Standard Bible says, “Honor belongs to the person who ends a dispute, but any fool can get himself into a quarrel.” The NIV says, “It is to one's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.”

 
Either way you look at it – whether this describes you yourself avoiding strife or you being a peacemaker and actively helping other people’s contentions to cease – extinguishing strife is a mark of honor in God’s eyes.
 

1. LOVE - Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.” Proverbs 17:9 also says, “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.”

 
So, if I am loving others what am I not doing? I am not telling others about what the person did. And what am I doing? I am making it a point to cover their transgression (not covering up sin so that it cannot be appropriately dealt with, but covering up just the simple embarrassments and unnecessary awareness of it).
 
Consider the example of Noah’s children, with one of them dishonoring him in in Genesis 9:20-23. The dishonorable son, Ham, saw his nakedness and “threw him under the bus,” telling his brothers about it, while the more honorable sons, Shem and Japheth, went in to his tent backwards and covered him with a blanket, not even looking upon his nakedness.   
 
Proverbs 11:12-13 says, “He who is devoid of wisdom despises his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his peace. A talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter.”
 
Proverbs 12:20 says that “counselors of peace have joy.” So, church, this is a sure-fire way to live a blessed, joyful life; it is to be a faithful person who conceals a matter and holds his or her peace. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9). Why is that? It is because our Heavenly Father is a peacemaker and we are imitating Him!
 
 
 
 
HOW TO REACT TO OFFENSES
 
So, now let’s look at some specific ways in which we are told to react when it comes to those who irritate, hurt or anger us:
 

• HOW NOT TO REACT: Proverbs 24:29 says, “Do not say, ‘I will do to him just as he has done to me; I will render to the man according to his work.’” In other words, do not decide to render evil for evil, but rather do what? Overcome evil with good! In other words, pray for them, do good to them, and bless them as the Master taught us. Remember that when Jesus was before Pilate and being accused of all kinds of things, He said nothing.

 
Many do not like these words because they fear being taken advantage of. Regarding this, Proverbs 20:22 says, “Do not say, ‘I will recompense evil’; Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.” When we take matters into our own hands, we take them out of God’s hands. Friends, He can justify and defend us far better than we can on our own. Therefore…
 

• HOW TO REACT: Proverbs 25:21-22 says, “If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; For so you will heap coals of fire on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” In the New Testament, Paul quoted this very proverb in describing how we are to treat our enemies, overcoming evil with good (see Romans 12:17-21). Proverbs 21:14 teaches us that “A gift in secret pacifies anger, and a bribe behind the back, strong wrath.” Now this is simple wisdom! When we give something to our enemies, it has a calming effect on them. Not to mention, it keeps us in love and free from an offended heart.

 

• BUT DON’T DO THIS: Proverbs 24:17-18 says, “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles; lest the Lord see it, and it displease Him, and He turn away His wrath from him.” Honestly, we shouldn’t be happy when our enemies “get theirs” just because it is not the “love” thing to do. We need not rejoice at our enemy’s misfortunes. God is displeased with this. 

 
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR BROTHER OFFENDS YOU
 
Now while these are practical, wise steps of how to react and how not to react, we need to look ahead at the New Testament and see what the Lord Jesus told us to do when our brother offends us:
 
Did you know that the Bible gives you and I some practical steps of what to do when a fellow believer sins against us and offends us? It sure does! In Matthew chapter 18, Jesus gave His disciples the steps to reconciliation when one of His sheep offends another. So, let’s take a look at what the Holy Scriptures have to say so that we can learn how to properly handle these times of being hurt and disappointed by our brothers and sisters in Christ.
 
In Matthew 18:15-20 Jesus said, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”
 
First of all, notice that Jesus began in verse 15 by saying, “Moreover.” The reason Jesus started off with this word was because He had just taught the Parable of the Lost Sheep which emphasized the importance of restoring someone who had left the sheepfold, seeking to reconcile the wandering Christian. Understanding the context here will make clearer what He went on to say in these verses we will be covering:
 
Jesus then says, “…if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” This is the first step we are to take when someone sins against us - we are to confront them about it. And it is important to see that Jesus said that you are to do this between you and them alone. Oh, how many offenses would be averted if people would just put into practice this one simple step!
 
You see, most Christians do the exact opposite when someone hurts them: They will either internalize it - never dealing with the hurt - or they will go to someone else about it saying something like - “Guess what so and so did to me!” You see, the first and best rule to go by when someone hurts us is to confront them about it without ever mentioning it to anybody else. This is so important to do because, as I am sure many of us have learned, many times when someone has done something to hurt us they did not even realize what they did, much less intend to do it. Therefore, if we would just confront the person who hurt us, then many perceived hurts and offenses would be resolved immediately. But how many people have held on to their hurts for years when the person that hurt them was oblivious to the fact of what they did simply because this offended person never followed this first step? When, if they would just have gone to the person, they could have resolved the issue on the spot instead of holding on to it for years.
 
On top of that, many times the things that people do to offend us are so small and petty that if we would be forced to deal with those things in this way (by confronting them), we would be too embarrassed to mention to them what hurt our feelings. What I am saying is that oftentimes the things that we get hurt over are really just silly. They are not big enough to even be worth confronting someone over. And let me tell you: if someone does something that upsets us and the prospect of confronting them about it seems ridiculous, then I can assure you that the fact that we are offended is indeed ridiculous.
 
For example, say someone in our church does not acknowledge you before or after the service, looking right at them and does not say hello, good morning, etc. What have we seen these Christians do? Well, certainly they do not go to them and say, “You know, you looked right at me this morning and did not say anything to me and I was wondering why…” Why would this layperson not do this? It is because they do not want their fellow church member to know that they were so sensitive and easily offended by something so petty. No, what usually happens is they internalize their hurt feelings and allow the devil to cause them to speculate as to why they did not say anything to them. They start thinking things like “they must not like, respect, or value me”- speculating as to why they didn’t give them what they felt was their due attention. On top of that, they then go to others and begin to defame that person, saying things like he does not care about them, etc. Maybe (just maybe😊) they were not intentionally ignoring them. Perhaps they had something on their mind and did not consciously shun them.
 
But what if we, first of all, began giving our brothers and sisters in Christ the benefit of the doubt instead of having a speculative imagination and judging their motives? And then, if we are either certain that what they did was intentional and/or we cannot get past the hurt we experienced, what if we just confronted them about it? I can guarantee you that just putting into practice this first step would solve most of the issues we have with other Christians.
 
Then Jesus said that step number two is, if they will not listen to you and you cannot resolve it with them by yourself, you are to take one or two more and let them, in a sense, act as arbitrators between you and the one who hurt you.
 
Now this does not mean that we go to one or two of our brothers and sisters in Christ just to tell them what a low down dirty scoundrel the person who hurt us is. This getting others involved is strictly for the purpose of having someone come in who will have an objective viewpoint of the situation. In other words, bringing others into the quarrel is not to get somebody else offended and upset with the person who offended you; it is for the purpose of having someone else hopefully resolve the dispute.
 
You see, sometimes when we have a dispute with someone else, we might think they have done us wrong, but they might disagree with our viewpoint. This is when a third or fourth party might be necessary to be an objective judge in our dispute. But, again, this is only for the purpose of seeking reconciliation with our sinning brother or sister.  
 
But then, there might be situations where the sinning brother will not hear the arbitrators either. This is when Jesus said that we are to take it to the church that both parties of the dispute attend and let them hear the situation in order to make a judgment.
 
The important point is that we see the order here? First, we go (by ourselves) to one who sinned against us. Second, we let one or two know for the sole purpose of helping to resolve the situation. Thirdly, we take it to the church and let those who are spiritual authorities in our life make a judgment in the dispute.
 
But do you know what most people do? They do the exact opposite! They take it to the others in the church first and do not even consider confronting the other believer. According to Jesus’ teaching, this is the wrong process.
 
You see, we need to understand that when we are offended, the first thing the flesh wants to do is tell someone else. Our flesh just loves to “vent” by telling our friends the sins of others - especially when that sin affected us personally. But love does not do this: As we have seen, love seeks to cover sins, not expose them. Love will only inform someone else of the sins of another when it is genuinely seeking the restoration of the sinner.
 
But so many err in this way as well: They will go to others and start off by saying, “I am only telling you this so that you can pray for them, but…” Now, while this can be done out of genuine love for someone, my experience is that it usually is not. These are not gossiping about the sins and shortcomings of others because they love them so much, but because their flesh just loves to uncover and expose the sins of other people. We need to be very careful about this. Whether we are a witness to or a victim of the sins of another, we should more often than not, keep it to ourselves and pray for that individual. 
 
But I want us to now turn our attention to what Jesus said to do if that offender will not repent after all three of these steps have been taken. He said, “let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”
 
What does this mean? Well, first of all, notice that Jesus said “let him be to you”… This basically implies to “let them be that way.” In other words, it means just to let it go - to forgive them and forget about it. We know this because just a few verses later, when Jesus concluded His teaching on what to do when our brother sins against us, Peter immediately asks the question, “Well, how many times do I have to forgive my brother?”
 
But what did Jesus mean by saying that you are to let him be to you “like a heathen and a tax collector?” Well, it is important to understand that this does not mean, “Fine, if you want to be that way, then you just gained an enemy, buddy!” No, letting them be like a heathen or a tax collector to us does not mean that we treat them like an enemy as some have mistaken this statement to mean. We are called to love our enemies and Jesus Himself was called a friend of tax collectors and sinners. So, it should be fairly obvious that this statement is not a license to be unloving towards the one who sinned against us. What this statement means is that we need to treat them like we would a lost person - forgiving them for their sin against us and seeking to see him or her reconciled into right relationship with God. It means to let the problem go and continue to seek the restoration of our brother.
 
You see, we are commanded, if it is at all possible, to live peaceably with all men (Romans 12:18). So, if we have done our best to seek reconciliation with someone and they still will not repent, the only thing left to do is to forgive them and forget about what they did to you - especially another Christian.
 
I can assure you that it is not worth holding on to, my brothers and sisters! It is not worth becoming embittered and resentful. This only keeps you in bondage and hinders God’s best from being accomplished in your life. So just let them be that way! Let them act like they are! If they have taken something from you, give them a little extra! This is what Jesus taught us to do, is it not? It is just not worth it, and I can assure you, God is able to add it back to you in fullness and abundance when you walk in His ways - which are love and forgiveness. Amen!?!
 
THE REMEDY FOR STRIFE IN US
 
Now there will invariably be times where we do not head off strife at the door. So, what do we do if one of those arrows have penetrated our heart and the angry emotions are rising up? Here are some good words of wisdom from Proverbs:
 
Proverbs 15:18 says, “A wrathful man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger allays (i.e. to diminish & put at rest) contention.” So, this proverb simply states that being slow to let ourselves get angry and getting control of those unruly emotions will actually diminish contentions in our life.
 
This is an important way to squelch anger - Operating in that last fruit of the Spirit called “self-control.” You see, impulsive people tend to open the door to strife quicker than others, and the Book of Proverbs has much to say on this:
 

1. Proverbs 12:16 – “A fool’s wrath is known at once…”
2. Proverbs 29:11 – “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.”
3. Proverbs 14:17 – “A quick-tempered man acts foolishly…”
4. Proverbs 14:29 – “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly.”
5. Proverbs 16:32 – “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.”
6. Proverbs 25:28 – “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.”

 
Proverbs 17:14 also says, “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; Therefore, stop contention before a quarrel starts.” How? By checking those emotions at the door and taking control of our actions. Someone will say? “Yeah, but I cannot do that! It just comes all over me and cannot control it.” That is simply not true because if it is you, you can control it. If you truly cannot control it, then it is demonic and not you. Demons control people; Christians control themselves. But in most cases, those who say they cannot control it in the case of going off on another believer in church, on the other hand can control it with their boss at work. Why? Because people do what they think they can get away with.
 
But there are some good and practical ways that we can be “slow to anger”:
 
One of them is found in Proverbs 19:11 which says, “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression.” In some translations of the Bible, anger is often spoken of as “being kindled” as though anger can be compared to fire. I believe the example of anger as fire is the most accurate because anger, if not dealt with when it is small, can get out of control and not only burn the one who is angry but also others in their vicinity. We must learn to control the anger that is kindled in us from time to time and not let it get out of control. And in this proverb, we are told a very practical way to quench this anger that comes from time to time in our life. When you stop telling others how someone else upset you, you are being discreet about the hurt. When you practice this discretion, Proverbs 19:11 says, that it “makes you slow to anger.” In other words, it will quench that emotional slide of anger. If we compare this proverb to the example of a fire being kindled, then James 3:5 will mean a little more to us. It says, speaking of the tongue, “...See how great a forest a little fire kindles!” The tongue is the fire-starter of anger. If we can control our mouth, we will control our anger!
 
Proverbs 15:1 teaches us that “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Simply knowing how to say things is a key to extinguishing strife. Many have unnecessary points of contention because of how they have responded. So, the lesson here is - don’t just blurt out the first emotional response you have but think about what you are about to say and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Another important factor is when to approach someone about an offense. It’s good to find a time that is appropriate for bringing up the matter. Ecclesiastes 8:5 says that a wise man’s heart discerns both time and judgement. Now these are not fail-proof ways to avoid angering someone, because some will simply not like what you are saying to them even though you package it perfectly. But this will extinguish many contentions before they are even kindled.
 
Along these same lines, Proverbs 30:33 says, “For as the churning of milk produces butter, and wringing the nose produces blood, so the forcing of wrath produces strife.” Many times, strife is produced by someone “forcing” their wrath and anger. In other words, if we keep forcing the issue – not letting up – and keep bringing it up, we are going to produce strife unless we are dealing with a very spiritual person. 
 
 
THE REMEDY FOR STRIFE IN OTHERS
 
But there are other times where someone else comes to us about another issue between them and another person. So, how do you deal with that? 
 
First of all, know this: Proverbs 17:4 teaches us that “An evildoer gives heed to false lips; A liar listens eagerly to a spiteful tongue.” If we listen eagerly to one with a “spiteful tongue” the Bible calls us a liar. So, we don’t want to be labeled as a “can” that people feel they can dump their trash in. Why? Because that makes us a “trash can.” It’s tight but it’s right!
 
But someone will say, “Well, how I can keep someone else from telling me these things?” Here is a good way: Either stop them and say something to the effect of, “Okay, let’s stop right here and pray for them, because if what you are saying is correct, they need prayer.” And then take that person by the hand and start praying for the other person. Another thing you can do is stop them in “mid-slanderous sentence” and say, “Well, if you feel this way, we need to go to that person right now and confront them.” Usually those people will not want to do either one of these two things and they will not see you as a good sounding board any longer.
 
Another good word of wisdom regarding someone coming to you with their issue is this: Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” Why? It is because as Proverbs 18:17 goes on to say, “The first one to plead his cause seems right…”
 
So, what this means is that there are always two sides to every story, and if we only hear one person’s side (particularly when they are worked up emotionally over it), it is easy to get sold on their viewpoint. Therefore, we need to be truly objective and not let the first word be the last word and get swayed.
 
But be careful about getting in the middle of someone else’s quarrel unless you are invited to be the peacemaker in the situation because as Proverbs 26:17 says, “He who passes by and meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a dog by the ears.” Church, this is how you get bit!
 
Now while I see God’s best solution to any rift in relationships as at least one of the parties simply deciding to give the other party the “better land” as Abram did with his nephew Lot when they had strife between their herdsman (In other words, one of the parties deciding to just “eat it” and agreeing to be wrong in order to keep the peace), the fact is very few people will actually do this because, bless God, they are going be right!
 
But what do we do if we reach this impasse? What if there does not seem to be any possible resolution?  
 
WHAT IF THERE IS NO POSSIBLE RESOLUTION?
 
In some situations, like say a marriage where you are covenanted to be together, it is good to call some sort of cease fire: Proverbs 18:18 says, “Casting lots causes contentions to cease, and keeps the mighty apart.” Some other translations describe this “casting of lots” as flipping a coin or drawing straws. In many cases, it might be best for the two parties that cannot come to an agreement to simply flip and coin and let “fate” decide, both parties being resolved to let the “casting of lots” determine what they will do.
  
In other situations, where something has to be done to deal with the contention, you might have to “cast out the bondwoman”: Proverbs 26:20-21 says, “Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases. As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife.”
 
Do you remember the story of Hagar & Ishmael? There was contention there between Hagar & Sarah, so what did Abraham do? He cast out the bondwoman! Proverbs 22:10 says to “Cast out the scoffer, and contention will leave; Yes, strife and reproach will cease.” So, I say that to say if there is no possible reconciliation, that sometimes someone has to go. But if that is the case, both parties should attempt to do so peacefully and graciously.
 
CONCLUSION
 
So, what you have just learned are some very practical ways to deal with contentions. Church, do understand that it is impossible that offenses will not come. The Master taught us this. We live in these fleshly bodies and, therefore, will have “feelings” that will come up that are contrary to the truth. This is when it is important for us to apply these truths and keep ourselves in love and out of strife. Amen!